It's so hard to say goodbye

As I sit down to write this, there are tears in my eyes. Today is going to be one of the hardest days I have ever experienced. I will come together with family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers to celebrate the life of my nephew who we lost suddenly on Monday. A precious little soul who was taken way to soon. He got 28 days on this earth.

28 days.

That is not enough time. He never got a chance to see the world. His family only got 28 precious days with their baby boy.

He left this earth way to soon. He also left a gaping hole in so many hearts. Mine included. I never got to meet my nephew before he left us.

That leaves me with so many emotions. Some of which could of been avoided if things were different.

I am angry.

I am upset.

I am worried.

I have guilt. 

I feel regret.

I am angry with the spirits for needing this little boy so soon. Why do that to a parent? Why change a life so drastically that it makes it nearly impossible to be the same person again?

I have always been skeptical in finding a faith and believing in God, and today as I sit here dreading what has to be, I am no more closer to finding that peace.

Why must the first time I meet my nephew, be at a time where time has run out and I will never get that chance to hold him in my arms? I will never get the chance to see him smile or let him know how much I love him.

Life is so cruel sometimes. We forget day to day that life is precious and no one is promised a tomorrow. We spend so much time hiding from our problems and insecurities that relationships become strained.

I have so much regret today. If things could of been different, maybe I would have met my nephew. Maybe there wouldn't be an empty feeling in my heart. Maybe I would walk into this differently.

It is never a good feeling to lose a loved one. Absolutely fucking heart wrenching to lost a 28 day old innocent baby.

May he rest peacefully and watch over all of us and remind us to make better choices. He may have only been here for a very short time, but he has taught me so much this past week.

Please keep my family in your prayers as we all try to move forward. It has changed me so much already, I can't even imagine how much it will change his parents.

I need strength today.

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