Pandemic Musings of Self Discovery

What does self discovery mean to you? For me, it means challenges, darkness, and sometimes pain. That doesn't sound so fun does it?


Change is messy. Life is messy. The "self" is messy.


Some of you may know this already, but I have been on a path of self discovery for quite a few years now. I may not of said it out loud, but you could probably tell by my blogging patterns or style changes. Maybe you didn't notice at all. That just means, I am so good at hiding it, you had no idea.


Either way, this morning I saw that quote up there and realized how much I have changed in the past couple of years and that this pandemic has really helped me see some of that.


Sometimes we don't know why we started on the path to self discovery, and sometimes we get those 'ah ha' moments along the way. For me, I realized I was looking for something to heal trauma from an abusive relationship. At the time I lived in a city where I knew barely anyone and because of that, I found a yoga studio who was just starting out who accepted me. 

This studio started me on my journey to heal myself. I took many classes and workshops there for a few years and then decided to become a teacher myself. Going through a yoga teacher training changes you. You work a lot on yourself without even realizing it at first. Some people go through the training for themselves and never intend to go on to be a teacher. I was that person. I never thought I would want to teach.

What most people don't realize about these types of journey's is they can often be dark, challenging, and lonely. Some of these lessons I have learned along the way have been some of the hardest moments of my life.


I graduated the program a different person and knew I needed to keep on the path of this journey. I decided I wanted to teach. Help others along the way. Shortly after getting my first teaching job, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I became dis-interested in teaching and stopped all together. No biggie. 


Fast forward to 5 months after I had my son.  I quit my job. I declared breastfeeding wasn't for me and quit. My cat disappeared. All in the same week. I was beyond devastated and emotional. It was all a part of my self discovery journey. I didn't see that then, but I can see it now. It brought me back on the path.


I started practicing yoga again little by little. It had been a year since I last tried. I became certified in Reiki because I loved working with energy. In this time we started looking to buy a house. We bought the first house we looked at (We did look at 3 total) and moved in a year ago. I feel like I manifested this house. That is a story for another day. I live in a log cabin. A real one. It is all wood and I have never felt so grounded in a space. I realized this past fall that I had the best space for a small home yoga studio.


The months leading up to the pandemic I was doing some deep self work with a coach. He helped me realize the yoga space and had me face a lot of truths. I began working on my relationships as well. Looking at my own interactions with those around me. Came to the realization I was not happy in my job. 


I started a plan of what I wanted to do next. This was years in the making. I had ideas and dreams and it all seemed to be coming in at the same time. I started teaching small classes in my home. I was offering free/donation classes to moms who needed a break. It was an amazing feeling. It was happening.


Enter Covid-19.


"You need to go home and work there. We can't work in the building. "You can't teach yoga, you can't even be near people." "This is only going to be a few weeks, you can teach again soon." "People are dying, you can't live out your dream anymore, sorry."


Everything came to a screeching halt. Wait what? I can't do this anymore? I was just getting started! NOOOO! Now what?


This is how journey's go. You never know what is going to happen next. You are never 100% prepared for the road blocks, but you are prepared to deal with them.


This is just the roadmap. You never know what you will come up against on the road. I will be writing more about what I have learned and what I am doing now to keep going with what I am after. My dream.

I will say, even with all of the crazy going on, I am proud of myself for doing the work. I am so happy I get to share it with all of you. This got long pretty quick, so stay tuned for more of what I learned and what I am working on next on my journey.


I appreciate you reading.


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