Friday Feels

I've got those Friday feels! This week has been long and it was only Wednesday when I realized it's Memorial Day weekend which means I go back to work in a week and a half. Booo! 8 weeks go fast when you're not sleeping and snuggling a little baby.

So a couple of things...

1. I feel like I need to start a new series called "Tales from the Midnight Feedings". There is always something happening when I'm up late. This week I was literally attacked by a spider! I was sitting in my rocker pumping when I looked over at the arm just as this black spider charged at me!

I literally jumped up, still attached to the breast pump trying to get away as I was being restrained by the pump. Good times. The spider then ran under the cushion. I kicked at it and it went running under the chair. Guys, I can't even!

This spring has been THE WORST for creepy crawlies in the house. I'm also dealing with ants. Why?! My kitchen is currently spotless amd they are still invading. God give me the strength not to burn my house down!


2. Next up, Baby Bloob turned 6 weeks old this week. He's eating like a 12 year old boy and I can't keep up! He is desperately trying to catch up because of being 5 weeks early, yet he is still in newborn clothes. We have finally graduated to size 1 diapers this week though. I call that a win.

3. I think Spring has finally showed up just in time for Summer. We are having pretty warm weather and lots of sunshine. We got our garden planted this week. It's small, but we are working with a hard situation. We don't have a water source outside, so we must haul buckets of water out to the field. We are praying for rain this Summer as last time we did the garden 2 years ago it was so dry nothing did well. *Rain Dance!*

4. I am working on a new series called 100 Dreams. Basically this is a list of 100 dreams I have broken up into 10 weeks. The reason for this is, it's really hard to actually come up with 100 dreams you have for yourself. I am doing this as a personal growth project. A friend of mine took a seminar on this and it's incredible what you learn about yourself and your strengths. Feel free to do this with me. I think it is going to be a great project!

5. Lastly, I think this is the first Memorial Day weekend that it is supposed to be really nice that I don't have any plans! Normally we are going to a BBQ or something and it rains. I am welcoming a calm holiday weekend being we need to catch up on some sleep and probably some housework.

What are you doing this weekend?

I want to also mention some gratitude before I end this. I am super grateful to have this blogging community to remind me to do me everyday. I am constantly struggling to not compare myself to what others are doing and that really makes blogging not fun. I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to keep on going with what makes me happy. Love you all <3

In case you missed it:

Have a great weekend!


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The Postpartum Diaries: 6 weeks

This week Baby Bloob is 6 weeks old, which means I am 6 weeks postpartum. The past 6 weeks have been quite a whirlwind and I felt like writing it down. Getting it out there. Letting the world know it is okay to feel completely nuts one day and completely sane the next.

I discussed my labor and delivery and it was not easy to say the least. So now I want to do some updates on how I am feeling 6 weeks out.

I have had a very hard time with breastfeeding. Baby Bloob was early so he was also not very good at latching. We have our moments where it works, but 9 out of 10 times it doesn't and I am pumping for him. The topic is finally not making me cry every time it comes up. It is a very emotional topic and I cried at the pediatricians office last week when they told me little man was still underweight.

Between hormones and maybe a touch of the baby blues, that has been hard to handle for me. Lets talk a little about the baby blues.

According to Web MD, 1 in 7 women experience postpartum depression. It is not something to ever be embarrassed about and you should always seek help if you feel like you are experiencing it.

I don't know 100% if I am experiencing it but, I do have my moments of being upset. It has gotten better, but I will not rule out being evaluated if I feel like it's getting worse. I do suffer from anxiety at times so it would not surprise me if this is something I will struggle with.

Moving on. As far as my postpartum body goes, I am still getting used to the changes. I have so pretty crazy stretch marks and about 12 pounds of baby weight to lose, so that seems to be the worst of it. I am also dealing with the soreness from breastfeeding and pumping.

I know it takes time and our bodies go through a lot of change when we grow a child, but I still feel a little sad that it will be that much harder to lose the weight I was already trying to lose before getting pregnant.

I am working on my diet now and have looked at a few different exercise programs that I want to try. I need to get back to doing yoga. I gave it up during pregnancy and now I sort of regret it. All of my hard work from last year feels lost, but I am going to work to get myself back and hopefully get back to teaching.

All in all I am feeling good. Sleep deprived, but good. I'm going to take it day by day and try ti find balance. I love getting to know my little guy and want to make sure I'm taking care of me so I can care for him.

What were your postpartum experiences? Were you able to find balance?


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All About the Weekend Vol. 2

Whew, what a whirlwind of a weekend full of romance and royalty. In case you missed it, there was a royal wedding on Saturday. With my lack of sleep I completely forgot it was happening, but thanks to little man bloob, I was up for a feeding and got to watch the festivities.

I was glad I was able to watch, as I missed the royal wedding back when William and Kate married. This was was worth it though. So many little details that set this one apart from the traditional royal weddings.

Watching it took me back to my wedding day. A day I never thought would happen. I was 33 (Hey so was Harry! Wedding twins! Ha) and before meeting R, I was ready to give up on love.

My princess dress. 

My mom always said I had too high of standards, but who wants to spend there lives with someone who is just okay? I wanted fire and passion damnit!

Thinking back to my childhood, I never wanted to be a princess and I didn't dream of my wedding day. My dream was to move to NYC and work for MTV. I was going to be a rock and roll kind of gal. Have a good time and never settle down.

Well that didn't happen, but I did intern in L.A. and attended some pretty rock and roll events. I also attended the Grammy's a few years ago, but that's a whole nother story. Oh and as you can see in the photo above, I did get married and I did feel like a princess. I never thought I could wear a poofy dress, but this dress found me and the rest was history.

So back to this weekend. Weddings. I'm gonna say it. I didn't like the dress. I preferred Kate's dress, but that's not to say Meghan didn't look beautiful. I like simple, but I felt it was too simple. Does that make sense?

This is supposed to be a weekend wrap of sorts, so let me tell you what else I did when I wasn't glued to my TV and couch watching coverage of the wedding.

I relaxed. That was nice. The annual plant sale happened. We decided this year to put our garden back in. We did one 2 years ago but the weather was so dry, it didn't do so hot. We skipped it last year because we were afraid of having the same problem, but it rained more. We missed it a lot, so we are taking our chances again and are putting one in.

On a side note, I got my mint so I can start garnishing my summer cocktails!

Such a nice weekend really. I got some sleep which is also welcome. So I guess all I can say now is, Bring it on Monday!

How was your weekend? Did you watch the royal wedding?


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It's All About the Weekend Vol. 1

 I have always lived for the weekend in a sense. I can remember when I was in college I worked full-time and went to school at night. I daydreamed all week about that cocktail in my hand as I danced the night away with my friends.

As I journied through my twenties I lived for weekend adventures and trips. I'd drive to NYC or to visit cousins and friends. Mini road trips to concerts or new places to explore were common. I lived for these escapes.

These days there's a different reason why I live for the weekend. Sleep. When I was pregnant with Baby Bloob I was exhausted all of the time. Weekends were for napping.

 Now that my little bundle is here, I look forward to the weekend because R is home and we get to rest and spend time together as a family. We may be tired but it's nice to have a little bit of a schedule where it works.

This past weekend I celebrated my first Mother's Day. It was also baby bloobs due date. He blessed us 5 weeks early and I wouldn't change a second of it. It also came with cleaning and having company.

So even though I live for the weekends and even though I'm pretty tired, I loved celebrating a day for me with my hubs, little man, and my parents. I gave up my sleep to live in the moment.

I won't get these moments back, so moving forward I'm going to live for the weekends where I can live in the moments. Make memories in this new phase of life.

Tired. But so worth it.

Watch for those weekend moments every Monday here on the blog.


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Birth Story - Part 2

Today I am sharing part 2 of my birth story. If you missed part one, go read that first!

On Tuesday I took you through the first 2 days of my labor exprience. Today I want to take you through the rest. We left off on Sunday the 8th where I was full of pitocin, swollen, and no baby.

My parents had come to visit me on Sunday thinking little man would be making his appearance. Now just to fill you in, my parents live 2.5 hours away. They also have a 1 year old dog who is still pretty much puppy and can be quite a bit to handle. Because this labor was unexpected they had no plan for the dog.

On their way up to NY where I live they hit a pretty sizeable rock and had to turn around for the other car. This made their travels even more stressful on top of the dog situation. They would not be able to stay the night and driving another 2.5 hours home on an already stressful day isn't fun.

After my parents left, with promise from everyone that a baby would be born soon and when they came back on Monday they should get to meet their grandson, I was taken off of pitocin for the night so I could get some sleep. I was still not in active labor and was making no progress. I needed sleep.

Monday came and with no progress I was getting very upset. R left to go home for some things and to take care of our cats and I broke down in the bathroom.

My bathroom had an enormous whirlpool tub.

I cried because I was tired.

I cried because I felt like I was failing as a woman to bring my son into the world.

I cried because I felt like no one was listening to me.

I cried because no one could tell me when this would end or how it would end.

I cried because I didn't want to go back on pitocin.

R came back and I had to face him. There was no way to hide that I had been crying for a bit. He was immediately concerned and we discussed why I was upset. He said I needed to tell my midwife how I was feeling and to get an update on my options. I had no birth plan when I came into the hospital due to the surprise, but I will say I did not want a c-section if it was possible to avoid.

At this point I was open to the c-section. I was tired and scared and wanted to meet my little boy. My midwife came in before lunch time and she could see I was upset. I cried while talking to her. She understood my frustrations but felt we should avoid c-section just because it was the easier option.

Over the course of 5 days I had 4 IV's inserted. So many bruises.

I didn't feel like it was the easier option at this point. I was tired. I was emotional. I was on day 3 of no progress. I told her I did not want to be back on the pitocin. I was so swollen from it I could barely bend my legs. She suggested another option. It was a pill and it was known to bring on strong labor quickly. I agreed to try, but if it didn't work, I wanted the c-section.

My parents arrive early afternoon to no baby and an emotional daugher. They fully supported my decision to want a c-section if this method did not work. We were back to the waiting game.

My nurse gave this to me as motivation to get little man born.

The day went on with very little change. The pill could be taken every 4 hours. My midwife advised I should take 2 rounds of it and if no change back to pitocin. I agreed to the 2 rounds but no pitocin. It would of been after midnight when they would have to start it. They let me sleep instead. My parents headed back home again.

Tuesday morning I woke up to contractions. I was FINALLY in active labor and had dilated to 8 cm when checked. My contractions took off right away and I was having strong ones by 6am. It got bad fast. I was in tears when each came on. I was put in the tub to help, but it didn't make a difference. I was in agony.

My midwife ordered my epidural with warning I may have to wait as it was shift change and there were 3 scheduled c-secections that took priority. A miracle happened because the anesthesiologist was still around and came right away to take care of me. He warned it would have to be quick as he had an appointment to get to.

That man was a God send. He got me taken care of quick and painless. I fought through a contraction or 2 when he was working on it, but once it was in it was much, much better.

I was still only at 8 cm so we had to wait to push, but things were finally looking up. My parents arrived for the 3rd day in a row hoping a baby would be born. Today was going to be the day no matter what. If I didn't dilate I was having a c-section.

My nurses came in to do vitals around 1pm and I had a fever. I wanted to scream and cry all at the same time. I could not start to push until the fever was down. I was hooked up to antibiotics which would take around 2 hours before I would know if I could push.

Everyone in the room was beyond frustrated at this point. How much longer could they hold off this delivery?

My antibiotics finished and my fever was down. I was checked again and I was at 10 cm! It was go time before anything else could put this on hold. Everyone cleared out but R, my nurses and my midwife. Let the pushing begin.

This is where it gets even more emotional for me. I am already tearing up thinking about this.

I was pushing and pushing and everything was going good. The baby was moving and we were making progress. Then I started having breathing issues. I was put on oxygen and I was so frustrated I didn't want the mask on. They forced me to keep it on and I was getting more and more tired.

The baby was stuck under my pelvic bone and I was much too tired to be able push him through. A decision had to be made. After 2.5 hours of pushing my midwife had to consult the surgeon on call. He came in and attempted to help get me to relax and get he baby out. No progress.

He told me that this baby needed to come out and he could offer forcep delivery. I didn't even have to think twice and I said yes! Please!

Let me tell you, when you agree to forceps in a time where forceps aren't used much, the room suddenly gets quite busy. My poor parents were in the waiting room right outside of my room. They probably thought I was dying with the amount of people and equipment that rolled into the room. I looked around and I swear there were at least 20 people around me.

The doctor and his crew. The midwife and my nurses. The neonatal crew. People who have never witnessed a forcep delivery. It was insane.

Within minutes of everything being set up, I was pushing and my son was born at 6:14pm. I cried.

I cried for relief.

I cried when I heard my son cry.

I cried because I had given birth without a c-section.

I was not able to see Ben immediately. They wisked him away to the NICU.

1 hour old. Poor kid had so much bruising from the forceps.

I laid there feeling completely wrecked and fullfilled all at the same time. I had some repairs that needed taken care of and then everyone was gone. For a brief moment I was alone. I laid there trembling. Every inch of my body shook.

R came back in. He needed a moment of his own and had stepped out. He asked if I wanted to see my parents. I honestly didn't know how I felt at that moment. The stress  and tiredness over the past 4 days had caught up to me. I was completly drained.

R let me know they had taken Ben to evaluate him and put him on oxygen. I didn't get much but a glimpse of him when he came out. They told me he was doing good and he was a good size for 35 weeks. 6lbs 2oz. My giant preemie.

It took about an hour to recover before they took me to my post partum room. They alerted me that Ben's glucose levels were low and he'd have to nurse immediately. My parents had seen Ben through the window of the NICU but did not get the opportunity to hold him. He came in and they immediately put him skin to skin and we tried to nurse.

We got him stabilized and it was late. My parents had to head home and I needed sleep. R stayed for a bit and I heard him talking to the baby while I dozed off. I heard him say he was afraid he was going to lose us both during delivery. I had a brief reaction but fell asleep.

The next morning I had a parade of people in and out to check me and Ben. His neonatal doctor said he was doing great other than glucose. Both of us were hooked up to IVs which made it hard to move around. When it quieted down I finally got to ask what had happended in delivery that had him scared.

Him and my nurse explained my vitals had dropped to a scary level. They could not do a c-section at my levels and the baby needed to come out. If the doctor on call hadn't been trained in using forceps one or both of us could of died if they attempted c-section. (Lots of emotions typing those words)

Thats a big realization to swallow. I was told because of a steroid shot I received when I was admitted, it caused fluid on my lungs which is what caused the breathing issues. I was also told that I was lucky the doctor who was on call was there as he was the only one in the area who did forcep delivery.

I also started to bleed out. I was literally on the cusp of every issue related to danger during my 4 days of labor and delivery.

I think I was in shock with all of this new information. I continued on doing what I needed to do. Ben had been taken off the monitors and was just on glucose in an IV by end of day Wednesday. I was discharged on Thursday. Both my doctor and midwide discharged me. They still didn't know who's patient I was at this point.

I was doing great they said considering what I had been through. I was im the hospital 5 days at that point, but I wasn't actually going home.

Ben was jaundice and had to stay. He was in light therapy and I settled in to stay a few more days. I left the hospital briedly to go home for a few hours and to compose myself. I was sore and emotional, but it was nice to go home.

My cool little dude in his glasses

Ben was discharged on Saturday the 14th. We were so happy to take our little bundle home. So much love filled me. All of the staff were amazing as we got to know a lot of them with our extended stay. We had to follow up with the pediatrician on Monday to check jaundice levels but that was all we needed to do, or so we thought.

Ben's jaundice levels had spiked and he landed back in the hospital Monday afternoon. We only had to stay 1 night. R stayed with the baby and I got to go home for the night to get a full nights rest. I cried.

I cried because it was my first time alone in a quiet place in over a week.

I cried because my poor baby was in the hospital again.

I cried because people can be bullies and I had to deal with one when my 6 day old was in the hospital.

When we finally went home on Tuesday night and we were officially able to stay home I was relieved.

Labor and delivery can be tough. We all have different stories to tell on how it went. At the end of the day we are all strong resilient women who brought a new life into the world.

I applaud you if you made it through this whole thing. I apoligize on how long it ended up being. I will do a one month follow up post so this doesn't have to be longer than it already is.

Thank you again for taking the time to read my story. I hope if you are expecting it helps you to know that things sometimes don't go as planned. If you had a similiar story or can relate I also hope it helps you know you aren't alone.

I'd love to hear your stories. You can email them to me if you don't feel comfortable putting them here.

Namaste all <3

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