As I stand in front of the mirror, I have a glimmer of hope that something has changed. Thought after thought enters my head as I stare intently at myself. "My pants seem to be fitting looser and I think my shirt feels more comfortable." "I think my stomach might look smaller, hard to tell today". Then the thoughts go the other way. "Maybe I am just hallucinating. No weight has come off." " You're not beautiful. You are fat." "Nobody likes you anyway."

Self esteem plays a large part in this battle. When you are used to hearing negative things from the people around you, it is hard to believe in the good things. A year ago this month I went on a "sleeping" medication to help me get better sleep which was the excuse my doctor used for my stomach issues. I had been battling stomach pains, fatigue, and weight gain.  She claimed I needed to get better sleep and eat better.

 I became very active at the gym and even took a regular yoga class. No matter how hard I pushed myself the pounds kept packing on. I changed my diet, even eliminating foods with no change. Good news was my stomach stopped hurting and I thought I was sleeping better. Although I wasn't quite sure I wasn't sleeping good prior to the medicine.

I went in for a 3 month check and the doctor asked how I was doing. I told her my pain was gone, but I just couldn't get this weight to come off. She once again told me I needed to exercise more and eat better. I explained over and over again that I've been the most active I've ever been and my diet was the cleanest it's ever been. She sent me away with only asking that I continue to take the medication and continue to be healthier.

My job hosted a Biggest Loser competition in January. I weighed in at the heaviest I have ever been in my life. Each weigh in I barely lost anything if I didn't gain instead. I was frustrated and ashamed all at the same time. Nothing fit. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I had to make a change. I finally made an appointment with a new doctor. The first thing she confirmed was the medication was causing the weight gain even when my previous doctor told me that wasn't my problem.

Another thing she confirmed was my life environment was stressful. I needed to cut my stress out to get feeling better. I stopped taking the pills that day. Although my home environment is still very stressful and some of the people surrounding me are still verbally abusive, I am doing better.

For the first time in a year I stepped on a scale and was happy with the result. I am down 15 pounds since I stopped taking those pills back in April. I feel like I have some control back in my life. I am finally allowing myself to see the positive changes. No more negative sound bites in my head.

People do not have the right to make you feel insecure in your own skin, why should you do it to yourself?