Monday, December 28, 2015

Year End Honesty

As R and I drove back from my parents house on Christmas night, I was lost in thought about how this year didn't go as planned. At first I was sad and a bit upset about this, but then I started thinking. Was it really as bad as I thought it was, or was this the normal thought for this time of year?  Christmas always seems like the time of year when we all focus on all of the things we don't have. The year is ending and we focus on what we didn't accomplish.  Why do we do that?

I started thinking back to all of the things I wanted to accomplish in 2015. I started thinking about this blog and what I posted here. It started out as a place to write down my thoughts on products and ended up turning into a diary of sorts. Even when I talked about something specific, I still tied it into my everyday life. You can't really write about something you didn't experience right?

I looked at past posts and realized how often I gave excuses for things I didn't do, or places I complained for not good reason. Was I really that miserable this year? Had I allowed myself to get so far into the negative that I forgot about the good things?

I thought about the things I didn't post about. How I reconnected with a friend from my past, only to have it cut short by his untimely death. It makes me wonder why these things happen as they do. Then there was the uphill battle of depression. I fought the feelings so much this year, only to finally give in and realize I needed to do something about it. I lost my relationship with my brother. We have not really had a conversation in 6 months. I dealt with getting engaged and not having the support from people we hoped would be there for us.

The lessons I learned this year can be looked at as struggles, but looking at them now, I understand they have shaped me into something I thought was long gone. I still have fight in me. I can still stand tall and find strength in the hard times. R always told me he fell in love with me because of how strong I was. He admired my will to fight even when everyone tried to prove me wrong.

That alone makes me want to do better. Be better. Move forward and think about the positive.

I know who I am. If you don't, maybe it's time you get to know me.

Even with all my struggles, I am still ending this year with things I am proud to say I accomplished.

I found a new job that I absolutely love to go to everyday. I thought that was an impossible goal. It does exist if you are willing to take a risk.

I have friends and family who are willing to stand behind me no matter what the circumstance.

R and I are still in love and ready to take the next step into marriage in 2016. We have been through hell and back, but we are still here and are excited more than ever to start our lives together.

As far as this space goes, I got myself on and off track what feels like a million times this year, but I am not going to look at that as a failure. I am going to see it as testing the waters. Taking risks. 2016 is going to be an open canvas and I can't wait to see what I create..

Thank you to all of you who have stood by my side this year. It was not only me going through this roller coaster, but you all were along for the ride. Whether we have met before or not, I hope to spend more time with you in the upcoming year. I hope to get to know you all even better. And most importantly I hope we all can continue to help one another grow and prosper in whatever it is we want to accomplish.

If I don't see you again before then, have a happy and safe rest of 2015. Don't sweat the big things and focus on the little things you can change to make the big things happen!

MUAH!



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